My College Essay
My daily commute used to take me through some of the most beautiful country in New York State, from farmland to Fahnestock Park to the mighty Hudson River. But the sight that really grabbed my imagination was close to home: the stately elementary school that our two kids each attended for five years.
The view of the building inevitably set off a chain reaction of memories: so much happened there — first and last days of school, concerts and plays, art and science exhibits, heartbreaks and triumphs. And from there the kids headed out across town to the middle and high schools, and then farther out, to college and beyond, for more milestones.
For our particular kids, college was a given — they had both wanted to go since they were little, and they came from a long line of college-educated people. High school during the years they attended offered some programs for parents and students, mostly on financial aid and what to expect once you get to college, but almost nothing on what to bring with you, both literally and figuratively, to make the process successful and worthwhile.
After all, with everything from school budget votes to real estate values riding on the percentage of students that a high school sends off to college every year, there was not a lot of local incentive to ask if a student is ready for college, or if college is even his or her best choice.
After sending both of our kids off, and seeing both through graduation already, there are some things we learned that might be helpful to other parents on the verge of launching their “babes” into the unknown.
Do not assume that your child has to go to college the minute they graduate from high school. Ask yourself — and more importantly, ask them — if they’re really ready to leave home, manage their own time and work, and do it in an environment where the temptation to hang out and do anything but study will always be great.
Has your child developed the skills needed to study independently, get to class on time, and communicate with teachers? Does your child know how to manage a bank account, write a check, mail a letter, or even do a load of laundry? Have they taken any time at all to think about what matters most to them — have they traveled on their own, lived in new surroundings, handled a health crisis?
My advice to parents and students is to look at the whole individual and not just the student. The brightest valedictorian — and we had one of those — may need a lot more than just challenging class work or a quiet dorm room. Will their heart be broken if they’re excluded from a team, a music ensemble, a sorority or fraternity? Will a new relationship, or the end of an old one, make it impossible for them to focus?
For people of modest means the name of the high-priced private college on the degree will mean very little if going there means that your child is surrounded by people who never had to worry about living on a budget and who may not understand why your kid can’t join them every time they want to go out to eat or drink. Peer pressure in college may be harder to spot than the obvious cliques that can form and re-form in middle and high school, but it still exists.
Of course you can say that real life involves getting along with all kinds of people in all kinds of situations, and that’s true. But college is not “real life:” it’s a stepping stone to real life, where meals and living space are provided for you, where there is ample free time, and where your actual responsibilities are limited to getting up on time, attending class, and doing your school work.
One of our kids insisted on looking only at schools in metropolitan areas because they grew up in a town of fewer than 10,000 people where there was literally nothing to do on weekends but go somewhere else. When they got to college they realized that, without a car and with a busy schedule of classes and work-study, they spent most of their life on campus anyway, and that what really mattered was what the campus itself had to offer. Our other child was in a relationship with someone who chose a college 90 minutes away, and spent most weekends in transit when they could have been enjoying all that the campus and its college town had to offer, which was considerable.
These are all big decisions, and they’re also big-ticket decisions, with tens, if not hundreds, of thousands of dollars potentially riding on them. The takeaway messages here are two: 1) don’t push your child out the door and 2) don’t settle for whatever comes along.
If you both are set on making a smooth transition from high school to college, start the process early; as early as 9th or 10th grade, so you have time to visit and re-visit campuses, narrow down the choices, meet current students, ask a lot of questions, spend the night, eat a meal, and even visit a class or two. There is a place that is right for your child, but you need to know that it may take a little — or a lot — of time to find it.
Annie Chesnut entered Wellesley College at age 17 and graduated from the University of California San Diego at age 24. Her husband Rich also had a 6-year college career that included serving in the Vietnam War. Their two children are graduates of Smith College and Haverford College.